Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Quote
Edith Grove
Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Now that's not what I would call a confortable position.There's nothing worse than standing on one leg all day .Poor parrot
btw,do parrots have claws



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

Talking of which..... a joke I heard Mick Jagger tell as one he liked...
What do you say to a one legged woman ?















Open your leg....

You know where she works (the one legged woman)?























At the IHOP

Until I read your answer I was going to say...Not anymore Paul McCartney gave her the sack...

(I just googled IHOP... O.K.)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2010-12-09 16:10 by EddieByword.

Quote
EddieByword
Until I read your answer I was going to say...Not anymore Paul McCartney gave her the sack...

John gave Yoko the sack, but unfortunately she crawled out of it and ruined one of the best parts of Rock and Roll Circus.

Wasn't looking too good, but I was feeling real well.

Like the girl coming out of the telly in the Ring ?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2010-12-09 16:18 by EddieByword.

Exactly - but worse.

Heard this from a guitar player last night...

A vulture carrying two dead chickens went to the airport to catch a plane. As he went through security, the agent said, “I’m sorry, sir. You’re only allowed one carrion per passenger.”

Peace,
Mr DJA

If thunder is God moving his furniture then what is a tornado ?



















God making a cup of tea.

Quote
EddieByword
If thunder is God moving his furniture then what is a tornado ?

Rockman said me once that thunders are the gods making love .
Who should I believe ? You or him ?



















God making a cup of tea.

I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

It must be my worse/lamest .....Part of a very old dirty joke, played out in the film Can I Do It Till I Need Glasses:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along, the Lone Ranger had to take a leak, and a snake bit him on his, uh, "wee-wee". Tonto ran miles and miles to the nearest doctor, who told him "You have to suck the poison out, quickly!". Tonto ran miles and miles back to his friend. The Lone Ranger asked him "What did the doctor say?". Tonto replied "He said... you going to die, kemosabe."

Every time it makes me laugh .



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

Quote
SwayStones

Quote
EddieByword
If thunder is God moving his furniture then what is a tornado ?

Rockman said me once that thunders are the gods making love .
Who should I believe ? You or him ?



















God making a cup of tea.

Well, his furniture could be moving due to his thrusts of passion...I mean if God can't make the earth (and furniture) move who can ?

Eddie,would you mind to quote me right ?

Quote
SwayStones
Rockman said me once that thunders are the gods making love .
Who should I believe ? You or him ?

Because on your post above, I read that YOU wrote "Rockman said me once that thunders are the gods making love .
Who should I believe ? You or him ?"
Thanks .

Quote
SwayStones
Eddie,would you mind to quote me right ?

Quote
SwayStones
Rockman said me once that thunders are the gods making love .
Who should I believe ? You or him ?

Because on your post above, I read that YOU wrote "Rockman said me once that thunders are the gods making love .
Who should I believe ? You or him ?"
Thanks .

I couldn't work that out either...then when I looked back your first message about Rockman was in my joke quote box rather than in your box...so when I quoted you that's how it came out....??? I didn't know to split it up



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2010-12-12 21:24 by EddieByword.

A guy is walking along the beach when he spots a bottle floating in the waves. The bottle has a piece of paper in it. The guy wades in, retrieves the bottle, opens it and reads the piece of paper. It says: 'You have no new messages'.

Two poverty stricken Mexicans are trying to smuggle themselves over the U.S. border in search of a better life but they don't plan their route very well and find themselves lost in the Badlands. It's hot, it's arid, they've got a little water but no food. Four days later they're crawling across the dessert, the sun is merciless, their water is gone. Then Pedro spots a tree, he says to Pepe "look Pepe, a tree with bacon hanging off it, look food..." Pepe says "You go ahead Pedro, you're stronger than me, I'll follow at my pace". So Pedro heads off, crawling as fast as he can, then, just short of the tree out of the blue a barrage of bullets comes whizzing past,ricochetting off the rocks all around, Pedro musters all his strength jumps to his feet and runs back towards his friend shouting "Go back Pepe, run, go back, it's not a bacon tree, it's an ambush.............



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 2010-12-13 03:23 by EddieByword.

What do you call 2 skunks doing 69?




Odor eaters.

Here's one for the holiday season;

Two nuns were driving along the highway when suddenly a vampire alighted on the hood (bonnet) of their car. The driver says to her companion, 'Show him your cross, Sister, show him your cross!' So the second nun leaned out of the window and yelled, 'Hey, you! @#$%& off!'

My neighbors, the two cute, young, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my
Christmas.

I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex! It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said: "I wanna watch"

Some kindergarden jokes now to end with BJs,69 and whatever.

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told
him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her
a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he
called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that
they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing
the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer,
he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

---

A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York's finest for
peddling dirty pictures. "But you're mistaken," said the kid. "These
pictures aren't dirty."
Selecting one, the policeman said, "Do you mean to tell me this
isn't a dirty picture?"
The young man responded, "Don't be such a prude, officer!
Haven't you ever seen five people in love?"




I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young
boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy
starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has
swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his
son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business
suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup
of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee
cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets
up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and
then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last
nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor? "

"No" the woman replied. "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

A young Essex girl (White high heels and handbag)(U.S. = blonde airhead) boards a plane bound for Toronto at London's Stanstead airport. She takes her seat in Economy, sits back and waits for takeoff. Eventually the plane is up and cruising at 35000 feet. By this time though Sharon who drank one too many coffees in departure is bursting for a pee. She gathers her handbag and totters down the aisle to look for a toilet. When she's finished she takes a wrong turn and ends up in first class. Seeing that it's half empty and smells much better decides to help herself to a nice big window seat. After relaxing there for about half an hour a passing stewardess notices our girl and asks her to return to Economy,
"Why should I return to Economy, there are plenty of seats here, nobody wants my seat, I'm not going, you should learn how to treat your customers, cramming them all in there when there's plenty of seats here, I don't know what the world's coming to, you should know yourself girl talking to me like that, go on, sling yer 'ook, I'm not moving".................
The stewardess a bit flustered by all this and because she's only used to at best the genteel and at worst silver-tongued rich bitches & leery old businessmen (The last time she served in economy Essex girls couldn't afford to fly) retreats to enlist the help of a male colleague, no better luck for him....
"The heels are off, the view is ultra and I'm staying put so give ya jaws a rest will ya ?".....
This goes on for another half hour until eventually the Captain gets to hear there is a problem and makes his way to first class.
"We've tried everything except brute force Captain, she just won't move..."...
"Leave it to me" says the Captain, "I married an Essex girl so I speak Essex"....with that he moves up to the girls seat and bends down and whispers in her ear. She immediately grabs her handbag and shoes, without even a backward glance pushes past everyone and scurries quickly up the aisle back to her seat in Economy.........
"Goodness gracious Captain, how did you manage that ?"
"I told you I speak Essex, I told her first class wasn't going to Toronto".....................



Edited 6 time(s). Last edit at 2010-12-21 13:43 by EddieByword.

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
car to drive home, and this young
lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
don't wear because you say they
are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,



'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

What do you call a gang of bottom feeder african americans carrying a coffin ?

- The Jackson Four

What's the last thing you want to hear after having sex with Willie Nelson?



"I'm not Willie Nelson."

Make women happy - Demerit Point System explained
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed ....................+1

* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1

* You leave the toilet seat up.............-5

* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0

* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

* in the snow...............+8

* but return with beer..........-5

* and no liners....................-25

* You check out a suspicious noise at night....... 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

* You pummel it with a six iron...........+10

* It's her cat.........................-40

AT A PARTY
* You stay by her side the entire party...... 0

* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy...-2


* Named Tiffany.............-4

* Tiffany is a dancer...........-6

* With breast implants..............-18

HER BIRTHDAY
* You take her out to dinner................ 0

* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1

* Okay, it is a sports bar..........-2

* And it's all-you-can-eat night....-3

* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team......-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
* Go with a pal.........................+5

* The pal is happily married............+4

* Or frighteningly single...............-7

* And he drives a Ferrari...............-10

* With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
* You take her to a movie...............+2

* You take her to a movie she likes.....+4

* You take her to a movie you hate......+6

* You take her to a movie you like......-2

* It's called Death Cop 3...............-3

* Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9

* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
* You develop a noticeable pot belly.............-15

* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...............................+10

* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30

* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

THE BIG QUESTION (a no win question)
* She asks, "Do I look fat?"

* You hesitate in responding.....-10

* You reply, "Where?"............-35

* Any other response.............-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:

* You listen, displaying a concerned expression...... 0

* You listen, for over 30 minutes....................+5

* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..................................+100

* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep....-200



I am a Frenchie ,as Mick affectionately called them in the Old Grey Whistle Test in 1977 .

JJackFl your "a mad look at twin,triplets & beyond " made my day ! I found it hilarious,especially the drawing part with the garbage collectors .....><